Category: Martini Recap

Where I’m At… OMG, I’ve Become My Dad!

I have so many memories of sitting around the dinner table talking about something that happened during the day. It could have been something at work, something in the news, something someone did, whatever. And I would explain what happened, why it was horrible, and why the person involved was obviously an idiot.

I was young. I knew everything.

My dad, meanwhile, would just keep eating.

“Yeah, but I don’t know all the facts.”

This drove me absolutely nuts.

No, Dad. You don’t understand. This happened. It was horrible. I’m telling you exactly what happened. What more do you need to know?

“Well, I don’t know all the facts.”

He’d say it in that very lawyerly way of his, as if he were sitting in a courtroom instead of eating dinner.

At the time, I thought he was being maddeningly cautious.

Now I’m his age.

And, OMG, I’ve become my dad.

I find myself saying it all the time:

“Well, I don’t know all the facts.”

Something happens and my immediate reaction isn’t necessarily outrage anymore. It’s, Huh. I wonder what actually happened.

Part of the reason this blog rarely gets into social or political issues is precisely because of this. I don’t know all the facts.

Take whatever the latest controversy is at Cornell. I don’t know all the facts of what happened, what didn’t happen, what was said, what wasn’t said, or what happened before or after the part that made it onto the internet. So I’m probably not going to immediately form an opinion and get outraged about it.

Same thing with some new policy from some administration. I may eventually decide that I think it’s a good policy or a terrible policy. But first I’d like to know what the policy actually says, why it was adopted, what problem it’s supposed to address, and what the consequences are.

That doesn’t mean I have no responsibility to become informed. There are plenty of issues that matter enough that I should do the work and learn about them.

But I’ve actually gone a step further than my dad.

I don’t have to form an opinion at all.

That’s the part I don’t think I understood when I was younger.

Take the Cornell situation again. Something happened—or didn’t happen—at a fraternity at Cornell. I don’t need to turn that into a referendum on every fraternity, every college student, every guy, every woman, or society as a whole.

Maybe what happened was terrible. Maybe it wasn’t what it initially appeared to be. Maybe there’s a complicated story somewhere in between.

I don’t know all the facts.

And even if I did know all the facts, I don’t necessarily need to extrapolate that one event into some grand theory about the world.

I remember a Supreme Court justice—I can’t remember which one—making a point along these lines about deciding the actual issue before the Court rather than turning it into a decision about every larger issue surrounding it.

That idea has stuck with me, even though I’m applying it to something much less consequential than constitutional law.

Sometimes something is just the thing that happened.

That’s it.

One of the most freeing things I’ve discovered in later adulthood is that I don’t have to have an opinion about everything someone puts in front of me.

The internet seems to operate on the opposite principle. Something happens, and within fifteen minutes we’re all expected to know exactly what it means, who is to blame, what it says about society, and what we should be outraged about next.

I’m increasingly comfortable saying:

“Well, I don’t know all the facts.”

And sometimes:

“I don’t know enough to have an opinion.”

And occasionally, perhaps most importantly:

“I don’t need to have an opinion.”

Dad, I’m sorry.

You were right.

But you could have been a little less annoying about it at dinner.

 



Martini of the Night (Really, the Week)

Lots of disparate threads working tonight.

My wife has to work late. Probably won’t be home until 10. Sigh.

My older son had a law school final today but is spending the night at a Bruins game. Hard to ever imagine, but I’ll root for Boston. Sigh #2.

I’m probably going to have to work 1.75 more years unless I get laid off. Sigh #3.

BUT…

In one week, next Friday, two of my kids will come home for the summer. I don’t care that they are 26 and 21; I still enjoy having them at home. My 23-year-old turns 24 next week, and he’s doing well, too. For a brief shining moment, I’m not stressed about any kid. (I know, I just jinxed it.)

I’ve posted about my 60-year crisis, and it’s real, but I’ve had a good life.

I was in a particularly sullen mood. Again, I’m always a little sullen, but this was next level. My wife listened and then asked, “Do you want me to just listen, or do you want my take?”

The reason I’m not completely off the rails is that I say, “No, I want your take.”

And she unloaded. Nicely.

She basically walked through my entire life from the beginning and hit the highlights. All the way to, “and you made a really nice omelet this morning.”

This is why I admit I’m biased toward partnered people. Left alone, I’d be a disaster. She keeps me in the Overton Window.

Anyway, tonight’s martini is in reflection.

I may be stunned that I’m 60, but I met my best friend yesterday, and now he’s visiting his granddaughter. What the hell. It was yesterday we were drunk in Sellery Hall at UW-Madison. Neither of us should be someone’s grandparent.  It’s been amazing and fast and I’m so appreciative to have known him.

I’ve known my oldest friend since kindergarten. That’s almost 55 years.  Same as above.  I don’t talk to him as much as college roommate (which really understates what he means to me), but damn.

Crazy.

So, to all the people who have been with me forever, thank you.

You make life worth living.

As a tangent, my daughter has some great college friends.  She’s been lucky not to have COVID mess up her college years.  Her roommate has been awesome.  Her BFFs likewise.  I hope she has a 42 year friendship with them like I have been lucky to have.

Okay, cliche… but it really is the friends we make along the way.  Oy.  I really need to not post when I’m drinking a martini.

It is my habit on May 1 so…



Martini of the Night…

There used to be a recurring feature on older versions of this blog called Martini of the Night. I’d have a martini in honor of someone or something. Looking back, maybe that should have been a clue that I was drinking too much. Ouch.

These days, I’ve cut way back. Maybe two martinis a month, tops. Most of the time, if I’m having one, it’s basically self-medication with better branding.

To be clear, my “martinis” are not what a civilized person would recognize as a martini. There is no vermouth. There is no olive. There is no ceremony. It is cold gin, poured straight from the freezer into a martini glass. That’s it. A Rosstini. Also known as “a few ounces of gin,” but that sounds less sophisticated.

Tonight’s martini is about 90% self-medication. My heart has been pounding for a few days, my brain is doing that fun thing where it cycles through every possible worst-case scenario, and while I’m sure there are healthier coping mechanisms, sometimes a glass of ice-cold gin feels like the right amount of bad decision.

The other 10% is for my parents.

My mom died at the end of April a few years back. My dad’s birthday was earlier this week. He did not celebrate because he is also dead, which really kills the party vibe.

I’ve been thinking about them a lot. I wasn’t a great son. I wasn’t bad. I wasn’t cruel or absent. I just wasn’t as good as they deserved. I didn’t call enough. I wanted independence so badly that any question from them felt like judgment. Any advice felt like interference. I mistook concern for criticism and distance for maturity. I thought shutting down was the same thing as standing on my own.

It wasn’t.

I would give a lot to go back and do it differently. I’d call more. I’d stay longer at brunch. I’d go to one more Cubs game with my father. I’d actually ask for advice and, even if I didn’t take it, I’d listen. I’d stop assuming disapproval and start having honest conversations. I built a career path they never fully understood, but it worked for me and for my family. I wish I had talked to them about that instead of just assuming they didn’t get it.

And now, of course, I’m getting some of that same energy thrown back at me from my own kids. Nothing like parenting adult children to make you realize you owe your parents about seventeen apologies.

I see my mother differently now, too.

She was a stay-at-home mom until I was in seventh grade, and that was not naturally who she was. She was smart, fiercely independent, a feminist before people used the word casually, and she wanted more. She put that on hold for my sister and me. Then she went to law school when I was in junior high and built a hell of a legal career.

She was an incredible role model. Did I appreciate that at the time? Not really. I appreciated the outcome. I loved that she was strong and capable and that my father fully supported it. That shaped me more than I probably realized at the time. But I never told them that. I should have.

That’s the thing with parents. When they’re here, you assume there will be time. Later. Next week. Next holiday. Next summer.

Then suddenly there isn’t.

And now I would give anything for one more phone call. One more random lunch. One more chance to ask what they really thought of me, of all my screwups in my twenties, of how they handled loving someone while watching them make dumb decisions.

I can’t do any of that now.

But I can sit here with a martini and the uncomfortable realization that I finally understand it all.

Which is annoying, because apparently, wisdom arrives right around the same time your body starts making weird noises and you realize you may have wasted half your life.

This is not ideal.

It also feeds directly into my current 60-year-old crisis. Great. I learned all the life lessons just in time to die.

And yes, I could pass this wisdom to my own kids, but they won’t listen any more than I did.

Maybe that’s the whole system. Every generation ignores the previous one, then eventually sits alone with a drink, realizing their parents were mostly right. Terrific design.

Anyway, ramble over.

Call your mom. Call your dad. Thank them. Talk to them. Ask the question. Stay for brunch.

That’s what I’d do if I could do it again.



Perfect Friday Winter Night

Martini…catalogues…dark/cold.