In a few minutes, I’m going to a funeral for a young woman (late-20s, early 30s) who committed suicide a few weeks ago. This is the third such funeral in as many years.  The first was a former student, then a colleague’s daughter, and now this one.  Each one is tragic and haunting.   When I was in college, a kid I knew from middle school up committed suicide.  I think about him all the time.  Pretty much any milestone or even random days.  I might be kayaking or skiing and think, “Gee, S will never get to do this,” or “I just turned 60; that’s old, but S never even turned 22.  He missed it all.”

I get it.  Depression can be fatal.  I can add a few parents from my kids’ school to the list.  Maybe it’s a function of being old that I know so many people who killed themselves.  I don’t know.

Then there are the physical illnesses.  I sort of got mad at my wife at dinner the other night because it was the second dinner she kept bringing up all the people who died recently or have cancer.  Tragically, a youngish lawyer with five kids just died of cancer, and my wife knows another lawyer battling it.  Both are in their 40’s.

My father’s best friend was in a car crash (my dad was in the back seat) and lost his leg.  As a result, he had circulation problems and died young.  Another one of his friends had a heart attack and died in his low 50’s.  My dad became terrified of death.  He was super cautious about everything.  It didn’t stop him from getting Parkinson’s and bladder cancer, but it was more his bleak outlook on life.

Anyone who knows me knows I have a bleak outlook on life.  Mostly, I’ve found it a chore.  A bunch of struggles and nonsense and then you die and nothing mattered.  I’m great at parties!

But lately that’s been changing.  Mostly since I gave up the struggles.  Now, everytime my wife talks about someone who has cancer, I listen politely, because no matter how much I act like it, I’m not really a dick, but my ultimate takeaway is “yes, that is tragic, but that just tells me I need to live all I can now.”

I don’t know when I’ll get sick and die.  I know I’ll die, don’t know the sick part.  I could get run over by a bus while walking to the funeral.  Still, I had a nice run in the cool sunshine this morning; I’m planning to go kayaking this afternoon.  I’ll read, finish a movie I’m watching, and play guitar.  I won’t think about tomorrow’s woes.

As the man sang, the only thing that’s left to do is live!

(he finished the song with “the only thing that’s left to do is get another round in at the bar,” so I think I’ll have a martini tonight in honor of not being dead yet (also one of his lyrics))